How I Coped With Losing My Job
I was in yoga class trying to get my om on, but instead of peace and serenity, a slow anger boiled up. Instead of stuffing the feeling down, I let it flow through my body to see what came up.
Four years ago to the day, I was among 110 people downsized from one of the country’s largest magazine and digital publishing houses. It was very unexpected – they had recruited me away from a nine-year job at a smaller competitor, offered me a tremendous salary increase, and I had only been in that particular position for four months.
At the time, I told anyone who asked that I was probably the happiest person to be let go. As well as dealing with the stress of the position and the unnerving high expectations, I had been thinking about turning my blog into a business. With the new job, I didn’t have the energy I needed to keep working on my venture on the side. What’s more, my retrenchment allowed me to join friends on a three-week holiday that I otherwise would have had to pass up.
But there were feelings I wasn’t facing. Things like the loss of control – I had no say in what happened – and the loss of my corporate community – no more water-cooler chats or evening drinks with work buddies.
These were the feelings that bubbled up in that yoga session. When I later spoke with my friend Karen, who is dealing with cancer as well as being retrenched from her high-powered advertising job, we realised that losing a job can require a grieving process, just like losing a loved one does.
Working with the stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, we recognised six stages that we had both been through: shock, denial, anger, grieving, bargaining and acceptance.
That’s not to say you pass through these stages in a linear progression. It’s more like spaghetti. Tangled, messy, ups, downs and squiggles you don’t expect. I moved from shock (at the news), to denial (I was happy about being forced out), to bargaining (I attempted control of the situation by arranging to still take an industry certification test as well as arranging a fun trip away), and a little after that, acceptance.
Karen and I, both fairly senior in our industry, struggled with many of the same changes. We went from working 60 to 80 hours a week and taking frequent business trips, to working zero hours per week. We had to shift how we saw ourselves – who were we without the fancy titles? The clothes that once showcased our power now hung in the closet unworn. Many of the things we enjoyed, including mentoring younger staff, were gone.
Shifting our thought processes, we flipped those losses into opportunities. We could mentor through volunteer programs. We could travel to places where we used to go for business trips, spend time to visit the cities and enjoy what they offer. Those power clothes could be donated to up-and-coming underprivileged youth to help them up the corporate ladder.
What I’ve learnt is that after any job separation, it’s important to set aside time for self-reflection. Go through the grieving process as best you can, even if you have a new job starting soon. Take that first baby step – identify there is something to grieve. It’s up to you to create movement into acceptance, that part where you explore your options and make plans to follow your path.
If you’ve lost your job, Brené Brown – professor, author, researcher and podcaster – advises you acknowledge your discomfort.
“Too many of us build up narratives about our career journeys that skip over the bumps – I lost a job and then I got a new one, and I’m not going to acknowledge the feelings of helplessness and loss in between those points. We’re much better at inflicting pain than feeling and acknowledging it.
“Acknowledging uncomfortable feelings means looking into what are the actions that emotionally hook us and why these feelings upset us.
“We can avoid these feelings, but we can’t run from them. Bodies keep score and they always win. Feelings that are pushed away will bubble up in our bodies’ physical reactions. We can lose sleep and build resentment and anxiety over feelings we repress.”
This holding of feelings that Brown describes happened to me. I built up an internal story about my last corporate position. I didn’t face all the feelings, the discomfort from what had happened … until something in yoga unlocked it and I was finally able to process that stage of grief.
Even something as potentially traumatic as a career-ending job loss can be seen as an adventure. You take the risks, face your fears and feel your feelings. My job loss set me on the path to turning my blog into a business. My life changed from being a big city corporate worker to a digital nomad exploring the country and inspiring others to find fun.
The power of being curious, open to new opportunities and being vulnerable enough to shift my self-view, helped me turn losing my job into a positive, life-enhancing event.
Stacey Newman Weldon is an Adventure Mindset mentor who blogs at Adventure Wednesdays.
Words Stacey Newman Weldon
Photos_ Charisse Kenion/Unsplash