“I Found Out He’d Spent $10,000 Of Our Money”
I was brought up in a Catholic family, and we were taught that you shouldn’t love money too much. Money was something you had to work for. At the same time, both my parents used money as a safety valve for their emotions. Dad would be at the racetrack every weekend, while Mum would go shopping, but that was something I didn’t understand until I was older.
I grew up thinking that wanting money was selfish and shallow. I shared it generously – with siblings, with friends, with my ex-husband. You could say it was a way of demonstrating love. Or you could say I didn’t value myself enough. I didn’t think of money as an asset that I should use for myself.
Even when I started my first business at 24, it wasn’t about making money, it was about working from home so I could spend time with my newborn daughter. I wasn’t thinking ahead, I just assumed I would always work, and therefore I would always have money. Money came easily enough and soon I bought a house for my daughter and I to live in.
There was really no planning involved. It wasn’t like I was reckless with money but I didn’t think about it a lot. It sounds strange now, but my upbringing had taught me that if you have too much money, you’ve either done something bad to get it, or just by having it you have somehow been corrupted.
My problems started when I fell in love and married someone with a gambling problem. I knew he had depression, I knew he was a gambler, but I thought I was in a position to help. I was financially secure, I had equity in my house, I could help him. I can’t believe I thought this, but I really did think I could change him – or if he loved me enough, he would change. I just didn’t understand.
We had six years of highs and lows. He’d hit rock bottom, agree to get help, we would be fine for a while – but then it would start again. I’d go to buy groceries and find there wasn’t any money left, or I’d discover he had a credit card in my name that I knew nothing about. One time I woke up on Christmas morning and found out he’d spent $10,000 of our money.
I was the one bringing in the money – he couldn’t work because of his depression. Eventually I realised the only way to protect our money was to open an account in my name, and also accounts in the children’s names. Then I discovered my daughter’s bank account had been cleared out. That was the final straw.
I still consider I was lucky. I had to sell the house, but it happened to be a good time to sell and we were able to pay everything off and I walked away without debt. And while I left that marriage with nothing, I did leave with a changed sense of money.
Having kept us afloat, despite my husband’s behaviour, I felt empowered to make some bold choices. Money is fleeting, and so is life. When an interstate job offer came up, I didn’t feel too anxious about making the move and it was the same when I decided to do my PhD, even though it meant leaving a great-paying job. I know I can deal with whatever comes my way and I actually feel stronger for going through this experience.
The other big change was that I realised I had to start thinking ahead so I’ve made a 20-year plan for myself. As a woman in my 40s, I’m finally feeling in control of my money. I saw a financial adviser for the first time last year and got around to making a will and I have also saved money for another house deposit, which has been a priority. The main thing I want to spend money on is experiences with my children. Even amid the stress of COVID, I can see the next 20 years ahead of me and I know things will be fine.
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Interview_ Ute Junker
Photo_ Glenn Carrie/UnSplash