Suddenly Single
We were both 20 when we met. He lovebombed me from the start – lots of flowers, lots of messages – so I fell hard. We were living together within two weeks and we bought a house, got engaged and got married in the space of three years. We went on to have two children. He had a good job and I stayed at home and looked after the children.
If you’d met us in our 40s, you would have thought our life was idyllic. We had a beautiful house in a lovely suburb overlooking the bush with a pool, a dog, two cats, two lovely kids. We would have the occasional argument and it might get very frosty, but one of us would always break the ice.
Things started to shift when he decided to leave his successful job and go into retail. We ended up with three stores, then the economy dived and we struggled. It was really stressful. He was having issues with his mother and sister and he found it hard to deal with our teenaged kids. It felt like I had three children instead of two.
He started acting really strangely. What I didn’t know was that he had met someone else and fallen in love with her and didn’t know how to deal with it. We went to the doctor, who diagnosed depression. I asked him what he wanted to do, and he said he needed some time to himself for a while, so he rented an apartment.
I had no idea it was his love nest. I even helped him furnish it. His attention was all on her; I was left to try to run the three stores and look after the kids. It was ridiculous. As far as I knew, this was a temporary situation, he was still my husband and he would soon be moving home. I remember trying to get him to go to the cinema with me one night and he said he was busy. I said flippantly, “You’re not having an affair, are you?” and he said, “Yes, I am.”
The bottom fell out of my world that day, but he still promised he was going to come home at some point. On the day that he was finally due to move back in, I was so excited. I even prepared a lovely roast dinner. Then his girlfriend attempted suicide. We were at the hospital and when my husband went in to see her, I got talking to another man sitting in the waiting room. He turned out to be this woman’s fiancé, Sean*. He’d been going through exactly what I’d been going through. We ended up exchanging numbers and staying in touch, updating each other about what was going on.
I was an emotional wreck. I’d been part of a couple all my life and suddenly that couple was broken and I was on my own. I couldn’t even go to the supermarket, because there were so many couples there. We had been together for so long. It felt like I had lost everything.
Starting over again was tough. We had to close the business and I had no money and no super, either. I’d only ever worked in our business and I felt like I had been thrown out to fend for myself. Fortunately my brother had a three-month maternity leave position on his team, an administrative position, and he encouraged me to take it. With his support, I ended up doing quite well there. I sat near another team that I knew was earning quite a bit more money than I was and I thought, “I could do that”. I gradually worked my way up through a number of positions and I now run my own team.
“I’ve learnt to spoil myself. I’ll cook myself the most elaborate meals that take three hours to prepare and 10 minutes to eat, and I really enjoy that.”
I started seeing Sean, and we had a torrid affair that lasted three and a half years. He was totally wrong for me, but I was besotted. I hadn’t been with another man since I was 20, and we had the best sex ever. I had kept the marital bed, which had a base of wooden slats. On our first night in that bed, Sean and I broke the slats.
My life with him was completely different to my life before. He was into clubbing, which I’d never done before. We had a great time and made lots of great friends. When I was married, I might read in the newspaper about a stabbing that had happened somewhere at 4am and I would wonder why anyone would be out at 4am. Suddenly here I was, out at 4am!
It didn’t end well. He hooked up with one of my friends. Not only was he gone, so was the social life we’d built up as a couple. I couldn’t listen to music for a whole year, because music reminded me of him. When my marriage broke up, I had moved directly on to Sean and I hadn’t had any time on my own. I had no idea who I was.
That’s when I got into self-help. There was a book called The Secret, that was huge around that time, about the law of attraction. The idea of the law of attraction, that your thoughts create your reality, resonated with me. My whole family thought I was insane, but it really did help me to change my mindset and not focus on the bad. It’s not something I’m into much anymore, but it really got me through a difficult time.
I went through a toy-boy phase. I think it was all the hormones of menopause that sent me sex-mad. I had a wild time. There was this 28-year-old kickboxer I went out when I was approaching 50, and he said to me, “You need to go see someone, you have the hormones of a teenage boy.”
I’m now on my own and I couldn’t be happier. I became a grandmother recently, I started doing drama, which I really enjoy and through which I’ve made some lovely friends, and I have a lovely apartment. I don’t have to do anything for anyone else, and I’ve learnt to spoil myself. I’ll cook myself the most elaborate meals that take three hours to prepare and 10 minutes to eat, and I really enjoy that.
I know who I am now, and what I like. When I was married, we used to listen to the music my husband liked. When I was with Sean, we listened to the music he liked. It wasn’t until now that I discovered the music I wanted to listen to. I used to be a pleaser, who went along with things. Now I’m more confident in myself. I’ve never felt more content and happy than I do at the moment.
*Name changed to protect privacy. Our interviewee chose to remain anonymous
Interview_ Ute Junker
Photos_ Julia Peretiako & Weronika Janas/UnSplash