“We Were Just Trying To Get Through It Together”
Lieutenant Colonel Kari Webster (left) and Lieutenant Commander Mhanda von Engelen met at age 17 when they joined the military. They have stayed friends as they have juggled marriage, motherhood and the military.
Mhanda We both joined the ADF [Australian Defence Force] straight from school. As far back as I can remember, I knew I was going to be in the military. The whole esprit de corps thing, being part of something bigger than yourself, attracted me. Kari immediately stood out – she had a Canadian accent and ridiculously long legs. We were part of a group of people thrown together who didn’t know left from right, up from down. We were just trying to get through it together.
Kari There weren’t that many women in training to begin with, and many decided to leave during the first year. Of the navy women who completed their degrees and training, four of us really stuck together and we’re all still in touch. It took three years for us to get our degrees; and after a further year of training, both Mhanda and I were posted to Cairns. By that stage I was married to my first husband and had [been allocated] a married quarter. My husband, who was in the army, lived in Townsville. Mhanda and another navy friend moved in and I really relied on them to keep me company. We had been living communally for the last four years, so to suddenly be on my own would have been quite difficult.
M Kari’s husband only came up on weekends, so we did a lot of stuff together. We constantly had people over for barbecues and there was a lot of time spent on the back patio chatting. It felt really comfortable, like we were sisters.
K Mhanda was probably the only person who knew what was actually going on in my first marriage. When [my husband and I] split up, I decided it was party time. Other people didn’t understand it, but she made no judgment. It was a big thing for me that she stuck by me through that in-between phase. Then when I met my second husband, other friends were worried how quickly it all happened: we were pregnant within six months or so and Mhanda welcomed him with no bias.
M When Kari met her [current husband] Harry, he was a young backpacker and neither of them initially thought anything would come of it. Sixteen years later, they’re still together. When she married Harry, I was surprised that she asked me to be her bridesmaid. I said, “Why me?” and she explained that her mum had said, “Sweetie, you tell me about all the people who’ve judged you [but] the one person you always speak highly of is Mhanda”. I was touched that her mother saw that.
K We have each been married twice and been involved in each other’s weddings. For my first wedding, she was part of the honour guard; for her first wedding, I sang her down the aisle. We confide in each other.
“Mhanda was probably the only person who knew what was actually going on in my first marriage. When [my husband and I] split up, I decided it was party time. Other people didn’t understand it, but she made no judgment.”
M My husband is American, so we got married in Hawaii. Because Kari is so amazing at baking cakes, I asked if she could do something simple. That of course is not how Kari does business. She made the cakes in Australia and managed to get them over on the plane. They went through the X-ray machines several times, because they couldn’t believe she was taking cakes all way to Hawaii.
K One of my happiest memories is Mhanda’s wedding in Hawaii. It was the first holiday my husband and I had without our kids; we didn’t have a honeymoon so this was effectively our honeymoon. It was great seeing how happy she was. She’d been at sea for a long time and couldn’t really strike up another relationship – you don’t meet people in that situation. To see her settle down with a good man was so great.
M Kari is a supermum. She’s got three boys at home but a couple of years ago she attended the Australian Command and Staff College, which essentially squishes an 18-month masters degree into 10 months, and she won the Operations Prize at the end of it. She’s also an amazing cook: if she invites you for dinner, you’re going to get a five-course meal that has you rolling home.
K I love that Mhanda is outgoing, I love that she speaks her mind. You always get the straight-up truth with Mhanda. I love that she’s so active – when we catch up, instead of sitting around, she’s always like, “Let’s go to the dam and swim in the river”, or “Let’s go camping at the beach”. She’s full of energy and always willing to try something new. You’ll call her and she’s learning to decorate cakes; next call, she’s teaching herself to sew, making beautiful dresses for her girls.
M It can be incredibly difficult to make non-army friends because you get a new posting every two to three years. Non-military people know you’re potentially leaving soon and don’t always want to put the effort into a friendship. My closest friendships were all formed 25 years ago – We have that shared history.
K I have a number of friends who aren’t in Defence, and it’s great to be able to let go and talk about something else. But it’s vital to have a Defence friend you can call and bounce ideas off. My husband’s a builder, he doesn’t always understand Defence issues; having someone you can be open with about such issues keeps you happy and healthy.
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Interview_ Ute Junker
Photos_ Supplied