What To Say To A Friend In Need
It could be the death of a parent, or a divorce. It could be a sick child, or losing a job. Sooner or later, someone who is close to you is going to go through something difficult, and you may find yourself struggling with what to say to them.
You’re not alone. “There is something really difficult about seeing someone’s else’s suffering,” says Kathryn Mannix. As a pioneering palliative care doctor, Mannix has taken part in more difficult conversations than most, and she has learnt that far worse than saying the wrong thing is saying nothing at all.
“Everyone who has gone through this reports the abandonment, the friends who just melted away,” she says, and it wasn’t because they didn’t care someone close to them was suffering, but because they didn’t feel they had the right words.
Conversely, she says, people are often surprised by those who do reach out. “It’s almost always people who have walked the walk before them, who say, ‘I remember how awful it felt, I’m here for you if you want to talk.’”
In her new book Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations, Mannix talks about how to have those difficult conversations. Here are four pieces of advice to help you find the right words – and the right time to say them.
DON’T ask how they are Mannix cites advice from business executive Sheryl Sandberg, whose husband died in an accident. “She said, ‘When somebody asks me how I am, that’s too big a question. How is every single thing in my life? You haven’t got the time for me to tell you, I haven’t got the strength to tell you.’” Instead, Mannix says, make the question smaller. “Ask, How are you this morning, or, how has this week been? That makes it easier for them to say, today isn’t a bad day, or, today has been terrible but most days are better.”
DO feel free to text Sometimes, it’s not just knowing what’s to say that is the issue; it’s finding the time to reach out. Our days are so busy that by the time you sit down to call, you may realise it’s way too late in the evening. If you never seem to find the time to call, it’s OK to text instead, Mannix says. “If you send a text and say, ‘I’m thinking of you, I’m here to talk if you want to’, you have given them an invitation that they can take up,” she says.
DON’T say “Call me if you need anything” “Call me if you need anything” may be useful thing to shout as your kids are off to go backpacking around the world, but it doesn’t work for someone in distress. “Anybody who’s had devastating news [knows] you can’t start to synthesise the list of things people might do for you. It’s too hard.” Yet staying on top of the daily necessities can feel overwhelming for someone dealing with grief, Mannix says. So make a specific offer. “It could be, I could cut your grass, I could go to the supermarket, I can walk the dog. None of those things stop the grieving, but it does allow some of the practicalities to be maintained, and that’s a great kindness.”
DO choose your moment So you’ve been meaning to catch up with your friend and see how they are, and suddenly you run into them – doing the school run, perhaps, or picking up groceries. This is not a conversation you can have in three minutes standing in a supermarket aisle. So what do you do? If you don’t have time now, let them know when you will. “You might say, ‘I have to be somewhere 10 minutes, but I’ll be home after the evening meal, if you’re free to talk then.’”