It’s Not Too Late To Change Your Life
OK, time to fess up: is your life feeling slightly stale? Three decades into adulthood, are you a bit surprised at where you have ended up? Well, join the club. Married, single, or divorced; employed or not, many women our age are questioning whether the life they have is right for them.
“So many of us feel disconnected from our true selves or long for what we don’t have. It’s a normal part of the human experience,” says personal development coach Kate James, author of a new book, Change Your Thinking to Change Your Life. This uncertainly of where we are is a feeling that can take hold even if our life choices have turned out well.
“What we create in our lives eventually becomes the new normal,” Kate says. “In psychology we talk about hedonic adaptation, where even after a positive step up, we eventually return to our base line of happiness.”
It’s no wonder many women start looking for that “something more” to give their lives a shot of meaningfulness. Kate went through it herself. At 53, she and her husband had a major life change by moving to the country. However, there are less drastic ways to rejuvenate your life.
“You don’t have to up-end everything. Even if things feel mostly comfortable, it’s good to think about what you want to add more of to your life.”
Many of us, she says, actually know on some level what changes would bring joy to our lives – whether that’s learning a new skill, or giving solo travel a go. All too often, however, we let old thoughts and beliefs stop us from taking a fresh step. In Change Your Thinking to Change Your Life, Kate dissects the thought patterns and behaviours that keep us stuck in unsatisfactory ways of being. We asked her to guide us through three of the most common obstacles that prevent change.
You say: ‘I don’t have the time’
Kate says: When you lead a busy life, it’s easy to say you don’t have time to try something new. “So many women feel stretched, particularly those who have families at home,” Kate says. “When everybody is demanding something of you, it can be hard to carve out time to do something for yourself – and women in particular find it hard to prioritise themselves.” If that sounds like you, she recommends starting small. “Find an hour a week to dedicate to the thing you want to do – it can make a big difference.”
You say: ‘I won’t be able to do it’
Kate says: Sometimes the most intimidating thing about trying something new is the fact that you’ve never done it before. “It can feel uncomfortable, even embarrassing, doing something we’re not good at but that shouldn’t stop us trying,” says Kate. “Carol Dweck, who did a lot of work on the growth mindset, suggests replacing the phrase, ‘I’m not good at that’ with the phrase, ‘I’m not good at it yet’. So if something calls to you, try it out.” Maybe you’ll be better at it than you think. Maybe you’ll get better at it. Or maybe you’ll never develop a great skill but it will lead you somewhere unexpected.
You say: ‘I’m not that type of person’
Kate says: “A lot of us compartmentalise ourselves. We say, ‘I’m this sort of person’, without recognising other parts of ourselves.” In her book, she writes about one of her clients who channelled her interest in outdoor activities into a career as a park ranger – only to eventually feel unfulfilled. “She recognised that in putting all of her energy into a single interest, she was missing the opportunity to do other things.” Recognising that a choice you made decades ago no longer satisfies you can feel like failure to some people. Kate suggests lowering the stakes as a way of lowering the risk. “It’s not about right choices or wrong choices – it’s simply the right choice for now.”
Words_ Ute Junker
Photos_ Supplied