The Hardest Part About Getting Sober Is Not Stopping Drinking
I never had a life path, I had a personality pattern. I’ve always been an overachiever. I started ballet at age four but I don’t remember it being a hobby – it was always competitive, entering eisteddfods. When I started working, I had different careers but they were all part of fast-paced worlds: finance, high-end tailoring, PR for Formula One racing. I managed a restaurant and then I launched a cheesemaking business. I was always looking for the next thing to leap into.
I have this critical voice in my head that never shuts up. Now I’ve realised that if you can quiet that voice down, get out of your own way, you can achieve so much. I’ll never get rid of it, but it’s turned down a lot in the last four years since sobriety.
My one big relationship in life has been with alcohol, and it hasn’t been a good relationship. It happens so easily. We use alcohol to celebrate, to commiserate – it’s always there. I was a high-functioning alcoholic, I didn’t crash cars or anything. I just drank a lot. I was having trouble in relationships, repeating the same patterns over and over. It felt like I was slowly eating my insides out.
I didn’t have a big moment where I hit rock bottom. I just became aware that there was a bigger life that I wanted to lead, and that alcohol made me feel like I was dying from the inside. The best way to describe it is that it was like someone was tapping me on shoulder, saying, “You need to listen to me. This is not serving you.”
When I quit alcohol, I didn’t know where to turn. I knew there was Alcoholics Anonymous, but that didn’t feel like the road for me. I thought I had to do it alone.
““If you’re feeling angry, don’t try to escape the anger – look at where it comes from.””
Several months later, everything started falling apart. When I stopped drinking I started doing a lot of yoga and was feeling really healthy, on a high. It was around six months in that I experienced all these emotions from stuff I’d never dealt with. And that’s when I realised something: the hardest part about getting sober is not stopping drinking. It’s everything else. How do you cope without your coping mechanism, the crutch you’ve been using all your life? You have to learn emotional sobriety. How do you deal with the anxiety, with your family, with financial stuff, with relationships?
I discovered a lot of emotions I had never dealt with. In life you have all sorts of negative emotions to deal with. I used to be afraid of those emotions, and alcohol helped me push them down. When I stopped drinking, they came in a wave. That took a lot of time – and therapy – to deal with. I had to learn that feeling bad isn’t the same thing as being a bad person.
I was a mess. I remember thinking something was seriously wrong with me. I went to therapy because I wanted the therapist to fix me. By now I’ve realised there is no fixing that needs to be done. This is what we all go through. We are always going to be up and down, have good days and bad days. These emotions can be our guide to our life if we let them. If you’re feeling angry, don’t try to escape the anger – look at where it comes from.
I’ve had to learn to deal with my critical voice, too. What I’ve learnt through therapy is that the best way to approach that voice is with compassion and gratitude. I say, “Thank you, I know you’re trying to keep me safe, but this is something I want to do, so we’re going to go forward and take this risk.” It’s a much better way to do it, rather than fighting it.
Not being able to deal with emotion is a huge problem for many of us. We love happiness, we love joy, we want to feel it the whole time. If we’re not taught at a young age how to feel the “negative” emotions, sadness or anger or grief, when we ignore them in favour of searching out that next dopamine hit, that’s when we get into trouble.
That is why we love the arts. It is good for us to feel really deep emotions, and we get that from the arts. I’ve sat in the audience in an opera when you feel like you’re going to start sobbing – you’re just jumping into an ocean of feeling. That’s why we listen to sad music. It stirs our emotions.
I’m still figuring it out. You have to learn to trust the path, even when it is not clear. Take a lot of baby steps, look for the stuff that makes your heart sing. For me it’s about listening to my body. I ask, does this feel right? What’s my physical reaction? Is there anxiety, or do I feel calm and steady? I spent a lot of my life lot of my life dousing all my feelings with alcohol. I don’t do that anymore.
If you or someone you know needs help with alcohol or other drugs, call the National Alcohol And Other Drug Hotline on 1800 250 015