30 Years On, A Happy Ending
Mark and I met on December 1, 1990. I know the date because he used to keep a diary and in it he mentioned our meeting. He described me as “a funny strange girl, very good looking although a bit huffy-puffy”. I was 21, he had just turned 22 and we were both working at Grace Bros [department store]. For me, it was pretty much lust at first sight.
“I remember him saying, ‘I know we’re going to get back together even if it’s when we’re 80. I know it.’”
We were living together within a couple of months. He had just arrived in Australia from Scotland, having left the army after a six-year stint. We had a passionate relationship but we were both young. He would regularly go travelling, exploring the country, while I was committed to my job. We were kindred spirits but we struggled to make it work. After three and a half years together we broke up.
The day I moved out he pleaded, “Please don’t do this.” I remember him saying, “I know we’re going to get back together, even if it’s when we’re 80. I know it.” Even after we split, he would write to me every week, often signing off with, “PS: I still love you”. I still have those letters.
Not long after our break-up I met Larry, the man I was married to for almost 20 years and the complete opposite of Mark. Larry’s a metrosexual; he has lots of female friends, he has no problems talking about emotions. We got married very quickly and, without a doubt, I loved him but not in the same way I had loved Mark.
I tried to track Mark down because I had a small box of his things that I wanted to send to him. I couldn’t find him in the phone book; we later worked out he was between houses at the time. Weirdly, he told me he saw me on the street around that time, but I didn’t see him. He thought I was ignoring him. It was a Sliding Doors moment.
Larry knew about Mark and wasn’t happy about him sending me letters all the time (this was before the internet). I wrote to Mark and told him that he had to move on, like I had done, and that was it – we lost touch.
Six months after my second daughter was born Mark sent me a message via Facebook. I wrote back and we established a friendship. He was living in Ireland, married with two small children, and I was in a good marriage with Larry. I apologised for the way I had ended it, and we talked about this big love we had shared. It was an honourable friendship, if I can use that word. For five years, I never wrote anything that I would have been embarrassed to have Larry read.
I had a very intense dream about Mark one night and messaged him to check that he was okay. He wrote back, “Don’t talk to me about dreams; I dream about you all the time.”
Things changed in my marriage and I realised that our values were no longer aligned. At around the same time, two people I knew died quite young. At the age of 45, and after almost 19 years of marriage, I asked myself if I really wanted to spend another 20 years with Larry.
I wasn’t unhappy in my marriage, I was just in love with someone else. I sent Mark a message, saying, “I’m thinking of you, it would be lovely to see you before this life is over.” He sent a message straight back saying, “Do you want to talk?”, so I called him. It was 3am and hearing his voice … I can’t explain what it did to me.
Larry noticed that I seemed weird, so I put my cards on the table. He wanted to fight for our marriage, and we went to see a therapist. I told them, “I think I’m still in love with Mark. I need to understand what this is.” As it happened, I was going on a business trip to London, so I would have the opportunity to see him.
I had no idea how Mark felt, although I did know he had separated from his wife. So I sent him a message saying that if he just wanted to be friends, I would be happy to be friends – but that I thought I was still in love with him. He wrote back and said, “I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved you.” He went on to say, “All the options are painful”. And he was right.
We hadn’t seen each other for 20 years when we met up in London. When we saw each other for the first time, that was it. There was no question that we were going to try to make a go of it. Larry had asked me to call him while I was there, and I remember sitting on the bathroom floor of the hotel room, crying as I told my lovely husband our marriage was definitely over.
I never wanted to put my children through a divorce. I knew from my own childhood what that felt like. I never thought I was the type of person who would choose my own happiness over that of other people but if I had to do it all over again, I would.
It was painful for everyone. Things were rocky for a few years, but we are in a good place now. Larry has remarried and I’m so grateful for his new wife, Frances: she loves him the way he deserves to be loved and they’re very happy. Our families regularly get together.
Mark and I got married on the 29th anniversary of when we first met. We have a fiery relationship – an emotional connection and a really strong physical connection. That is something you can choose to be embarrassed about or you can say, “This is a really important part of life” and celebrate that connection. When I’m with him I feel like I’m home. We both feel we were fated to be together.
Interview_ Ute Junker
Photo homepage_ Mandy Von Stahl/UnSplash